it's 7 degrees in colorado right now. i actually might freeze when i move.
to say i am excited might be an overstatement. but then again, to say i'm afraid would be untrue as well. i'm hopeful.

the last 3 years have been wilderness years for me. my own exile from--what?  naively made plans? stubbornly held expectations? i did the work set before me---collegiate and cosmically spiritual alike, and i found myself in a comfortable, slow-motion routine of emotional and spiritual bulimia: starving for some peace, some promise and binging on the bites sent my way. but somewhere along the way, i realized that i was only kidding myself thinking that this life, this Love, this journey to the future was a sprint.

i know it's cliche to say so, but i've changed. and it's been hard work, changing has. it's hard work to let go of love, to face your wrong choices, and set free every last thing you thought you knew for sure. but i jumped in. i always do. and He met me like He always does--with equal parts question and answer. with an overwhelming message: 'look around.  understand to be understood. let me pave the way for you. but be sure follow where I lead.' i didn't think i was to take the last part literally. and yet, in a week and half i go.
how will he find me?

summer has such a wonderfully mundane rhythm to it. it feels like a perfectly worn-in pair of shoes, or a pair of jeans the second time you wear them after a wash--comfy. it's mid-july, and i can hardly remember last month--or the beginning of this month, for that matter. i adore that feeling.

the odd thing is that in the midst of this comfort, i've been assaulted with this feeling of future. days are passing, and i feel like they are numbered in the midst of their perfect bore. call it the stage of life, i guess.

how do i prepare my heart for a future that's not yet mine? how do i prepare for all situations? there are supposed givens in adult life which i expect: marriage, family, house, career, children. what if this is not the direction i'm led? what if He takes me elsewhere?

i've been experiencing the strangest rumblings in the pit of my heart. and i regard them with equal parts wonder and trepidation. how could it be possible that i might be led down a life-path that doesn't begin,  include, or end with a husband? a baby? a garden to tend? a dog to walk? a grandchild to spoil? or, even more terrifying, how could it be possible that those desires are being removed from my heart? how could it be that i yearn only for the intimacy of the Risen and the marriage of Spirit? how could i not want a husband? a baby? a garden to tend? a dog to walk? a grandchild to spoil?

what am i, a nun?

it is widely understood, but never verbalized in young-adult female christian circles that your success as a woman is based on your marital status. we are married women before we are women. or--shame of all shames--we are single girls before we are women. it seems the message has somehow come across that you aren't a viable contributing factor to the kingdom if your contributions don't come in the form of a godly marriage and the rearing of a godly family.

so, the goal becomes the husband. and we primp and modify and portray and bend and study and work so hard to find what is not ours to find, to orchestrate what is not ours to orchestrate...because we aren't reminded that our hearts are His before they are joined to a man. nobody ever warned us that the desire for something so good, so true, can become as much of an idol as a golden calf.

marriage is meant to provide an opportunity to act out God's love relationship for us. His love doesn't meet us where we are dolled up and batting our eyes in His direction. God's love meets us where we are honest, unfiltered, and true. in beauty and in ugliness. it is there that we are loved, and there that we are of use.

i now recognize what i'm waiting for--an opportunity to live an example of the Relationship--an opportunity to be Love with skin on. nothing less will do. it really is that simple.

“We have grasped the mystery of the atom, and rejected the Sermon on the Mount.
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war
than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living.--General Omar Bradley

“When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?”---Eleanor Roosevelt

“Very few people chose war. They chose selfishness and the result was war. Each of us, individually and nationally, must choose: total love, or total war.”---David Dellinger

“We cannot have peace if we are only concerned with peace. War is not an accident. It is the logical outcome of a certain way of life. If we want to attack war, we have to attack the way of life.”---A.J. Muste

displace me was amazing. a-mazing.

ride the peace train.

photo for senator feinstein

what a bunch of hippies

street sweeper operators make $54,000 a year and music therapists make $43,000 a year.

so, here's an idea: how about i drop out of school?
clearly, i don't really need my degree.

'you said life has no limit, if you're not afraid to get in it...'--mason j.

big things lie ahead.
big, amazing, frightening things.
like graduating. and traveling. and moving.
adventures, all. my excitement is slowly unwinding, slowly being loosed.

and being my mother's daughter, i think. i process. i reflect.
and you, my non-existent blog reader, my future self, are priveleged (doomed?) to listen.

there's no telling what happens next.
i've got an idea of what i'd like...
i'd like to move to colorado. i'd like to breathe mountain air. i'd like to make new friends. i'd like to find someone tall, someone strong, someone true. i'd like to carve out a life of something solid.
but those are only my ideas of what would be best.

the truth is, i've got no control. i've literally got no idea what the next 1, 5, 10, 15 years hold for me. graduating college means it's go time. but go where? and with whom?

i'd be remiss if i didn't say that recent tragedies and losses haven't chilled my bones. i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me want to gather everyone up--my present and my past--and keep them closer than close, hold them tighter than tight and speak so, so much love to them.

there's no doubt the distance between us makes my heart sad. my friends, they are my home, and i am so tempted to say that i need them more than uganda, or san diego, or corona del mar, or san francisco, or australia, or ecuador, or spain, or japan. but i don't. it would be disobedient to horde one another right now. and i don't really want to move back to catalina, anyway.

the truth is, i just want to put words to my heart.
but i've always allowed my heart to be made afraid.
i'd like to be unafraid now.

i am learning how to be patient.
i trust in Him, His timing, His plan, His placement of me. or at least, i want to.
but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't long. it doesn't mean i'm not waiting.

God creates us.
He gives us individual hearts.
He gives us unique passions.
He gives some of us different temperaments.
and He gives some of us hearts of sadness.

truth is truth. i believe the truth.
but truth is huge. and much of it is still a mystery to us.
and truth does not have to be equated with happiness. truth is not relative, but its place in our life is relative....subject to our sin, our heart, our humanity. and since we are all born with every capacity to fully accept the truth, since we are made in the very image of truth, there are grains of truth everywhere. a discerning spirit, a heart living in communion with the Ghost will be able to sift through the chaff and find the wheat.

there is beauty. it's everywhere, but sometimes it's sad.

i've found it creeping up on me, surprising me in the most unexpected places...in the in-between times, in people i thought i'd figured out.

hearts of sadness, hearts of hope.
they are made from the same substance.

'we will ask the coming King, 'what the hell does this all mean?'
He will answer quietly with His love.
His love overcomes the world.
His love overcomes my fear.'--josh garrels.

there is goodness in every thing.
how incredible.

breaking up is hard to do.

in it, there was truth, reverie, magic, beauty, youth, protection, a crescendo, an opus, an alliance, a nemesis, an everest, a pillow, a stone. beneath it, beneath you, there was pressure. but beside you there was judgement and above you there was indifference. none of these suited me. i needed truth. do you understand what i mean when i say truth, little self? i mean brutality, i mean conviction that instigates, i mean raw reality of what He has, of what He is...

and i say that love conquers all, love triumphs. because He said it.

but now, where is victory? where is reverence matching retribution step for step? where is He setting it right? i understand its majesty, but is mystery always necessary?

we were a canvas, and we set down a work. it is simply unclear as to whether the legacy is one of tragedy or comedy. of dejection or hope. i suppose all who are young and have loved struggle with that even--and ever--after the fact. until the completion. so where is it complete?