summer has such a wonderfully mundane rhythm to it. it feels like a perfectly worn-in pair of shoes, or a pair of jeans the second time you wear them after a wash--comfy. it's mid-july, and i can hardly remember last month--or the beginning of this month, for that matter. i adore that feeling.

the odd thing is that in the midst of this comfort, i've been assaulted with this feeling of future. days are passing, and i feel like they are numbered in the midst of their perfect bore. call it the stage of life, i guess.

how do i prepare my heart for a future that's not yet mine? how do i prepare for all situations? there are supposed givens in adult life which i expect: marriage, family, house, career, children. what if this is not the direction i'm led? what if He takes me elsewhere?

i've been experiencing the strangest rumblings in the pit of my heart. and i regard them with equal parts wonder and trepidation. how could it be possible that i might be led down a life-path that doesn't begin,  include, or end with a husband? a baby? a garden to tend? a dog to walk? a grandchild to spoil? or, even more terrifying, how could it be possible that those desires are being removed from my heart? how could it be that i yearn only for the intimacy of the Risen and the marriage of Spirit? how could i not want a husband? a baby? a garden to tend? a dog to walk? a grandchild to spoil?

what am i, a nun?

it is widely understood, but never verbalized in young-adult female christian circles that your success as a woman is based on your marital status. we are married women before we are women. or--shame of all shames--we are single girls before we are women. it seems the message has somehow come across that you aren't a viable contributing factor to the kingdom if your contributions don't come in the form of a godly marriage and the rearing of a godly family.

so, the goal becomes the husband. and we primp and modify and portray and bend and study and work so hard to find what is not ours to find, to orchestrate what is not ours to orchestrate...because we aren't reminded that our hearts are His before they are joined to a man. nobody ever warned us that the desire for something so good, so true, can become as much of an idol as a golden calf.

marriage is meant to provide an opportunity to act out God's love relationship for us. His love doesn't meet us where we are dolled up and batting our eyes in His direction. God's love meets us where we are honest, unfiltered, and true. in beauty and in ugliness. it is there that we are loved, and there that we are of use.

i now recognize what i'm waiting for--an opportunity to live an example of the Relationship--an opportunity to be Love with skin on. nothing less will do. it really is that simple.

“We have grasped the mystery of the atom, and rejected the Sermon on the Mount.
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war
than we know about peace, more about killing than we know about living.--General Omar Bradley

“When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?”---Eleanor Roosevelt

“Very few people chose war. They chose selfishness and the result was war. Each of us, individually and nationally, must choose: total love, or total war.”---David Dellinger

“We cannot have peace if we are only concerned with peace. War is not an accident. It is the logical outcome of a certain way of life. If we want to attack war, we have to attack the way of life.”---A.J. Muste

displace me was amazing. a-mazing.

ride the peace train.

photo for senator feinstein

what a bunch of hippies

street sweeper operators make $54,000 a year and music therapists make $43,000 a year.

so, here's an idea: how about i drop out of school?
clearly, i don't really need my degree.

'you said life has no limit, if you're not afraid to get in it...'--mason j.

big things lie ahead.
big, amazing, frightening things.
like graduating. and traveling. and moving.
adventures, all. my excitement is slowly unwinding, slowly being loosed.

and being my mother's daughter, i think. i process. i reflect.
and you, my non-existent blog reader, my future self, are priveleged (doomed?) to listen.

there's no telling what happens next.
i've got an idea of what i'd like...
i'd like to move to colorado. i'd like to breathe mountain air. i'd like to make new friends. i'd like to find someone tall, someone strong, someone true. i'd like to carve out a life of something solid.
but those are only my ideas of what would be best.

the truth is, i've got no control. i've literally got no idea what the next 1, 5, 10, 15 years hold for me. graduating college means it's go time. but go where? and with whom?

i'd be remiss if i didn't say that recent tragedies and losses haven't chilled my bones. i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me want to gather everyone up--my present and my past--and keep them closer than close, hold them tighter than tight and speak so, so much love to them.

there's no doubt the distance between us makes my heart sad. my friends, they are my home, and i am so tempted to say that i need them more than uganda, or san diego, or corona del mar, or san francisco, or australia, or ecuador, or spain, or japan. but i don't. it would be disobedient to horde one another right now. and i don't really want to move back to catalina, anyway.

the truth is, i just want to put words to my heart.
but i've always allowed my heart to be made afraid.
i'd like to be unafraid now.

i am learning how to be patient.
i trust in Him, His timing, His plan, His placement of me. or at least, i want to.
but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't long. it doesn't mean i'm not waiting.