'you said life has no limit, if you're not afraid to get in it...'--mason j.

big things lie ahead.
big, amazing, frightening things.
like graduating. and traveling. and moving.
adventures, all. my excitement is slowly unwinding, slowly being loosed.

and being my mother's daughter, i think. i process. i reflect.
and you, my non-existent blog reader, my future self, are priveleged (doomed?) to listen.

there's no telling what happens next.
i've got an idea of what i'd like...
i'd like to move to colorado. i'd like to breathe mountain air. i'd like to make new friends. i'd like to find someone tall, someone strong, someone true. i'd like to carve out a life of something solid.
but those are only my ideas of what would be best.

the truth is, i've got no control. i've literally got no idea what the next 1, 5, 10, 15 years hold for me. graduating college means it's go time. but go where? and with whom?

i'd be remiss if i didn't say that recent tragedies and losses haven't chilled my bones. i'd be lying if i didn't say that it makes me want to gather everyone up--my present and my past--and keep them closer than close, hold them tighter than tight and speak so, so much love to them.

there's no doubt the distance between us makes my heart sad. my friends, they are my home, and i am so tempted to say that i need them more than uganda, or san diego, or corona del mar, or san francisco, or australia, or ecuador, or spain, or japan. but i don't. it would be disobedient to horde one another right now. and i don't really want to move back to catalina, anyway.

the truth is, i just want to put words to my heart.
but i've always allowed my heart to be made afraid.
i'd like to be unafraid now.

i am learning how to be patient.
i trust in Him, His timing, His plan, His placement of me. or at least, i want to.
but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't long. it doesn't mean i'm not waiting.